Today has been a rough day. My head aches from crying too much. My eyes are puffy and bright red.
Jax had an appointment with Dr. Heidi Hares (who I LOVED) - an ear, nose, and throat specialist - today. He has had 5 ear infections in the last 6 months. The current ear infection he has has been the never ending one. He has taken two oral antibiotics and received 5 shots to try and take care of it. No luck. So, today we had our consultation with the ENT Specialist to talk about getting tubes in his ears.
When Jax was born he failed the hearing test in the hospital. I was a nervous wreck when this happened. Although it happens to 10% of newborn babies who can hear perfectly, I just couldn't believe that my baby failed the hearing test. We took the little man home awaiting his 2nd test ten days after he was born. Chase gave him a blessing that he would be okay and that his ears would work, and I am convinced that is why ten days later Jax was hearing perfectly.
Well, with all the ear infection difficulty we have been having and everyone telling me how it can cause hearing loss and speech delay, I have been very concerned with Jax's hearing. The anxiety I felt when I found out he failed the newborn hearing test all came back. The last few days I have just really felt that he can't hear me. I have felt like he doesn't respond to commands, doesn't look at me when I say his name, and is saying no words. I am the biggest worrier out there, but I felt like my worries had some merit with his history.
So, today we went to the ENT doctor. My pediatrician referred me to get tubes in Jax's ears. But, I wanted to go for two reasons: 1 - to have a conciliation/schedule surgery for tubes and 2 - to have Jax take a hearing test.
The doctor and all the nurses were great. Everything about the place was great - except the most important thing. Jax was first given the hearing test. He failed. In his left ear he failed completely. His right ear failed, but is a little better than his left. I lost it when the nurse told me that news. I was right. My little baby wasn't hearing me. He isn't talking because he can't hear a word I am saying.
Although this news has ruined my day, it doesn't mean that Jax is deaf. It doesn't mean he is never going to be able to hear or talk. The hearing test Jax was given today is the same test newborns are given. The machine sounds a few beeps in the ear and records whether the cochlea is responding. Because Jax failed the test, his cochlea is obviously not responding. But, this is most likely because there is a large amount of puss and fluid behind his eardrum.
In 2 weeks Jax will have to go to the "Same Day Surgery" part of the hospital for his tubes. I know that SO many kids get tubes and that it really isn't too big of a deal. However, I have been so emotional about it because this isn't the first time he has failed the hearing test. But, at the same time knowing that he did pass when he was ten days old gives me confidence that he is going to be okay.
I just feel so bad for this little guy. In 6 days he will be 15 months old. He should be talking and understanding me when I talk. But, he isn't. He isn't because he hears nothing I am saying. I feel like I have been getting worked up the last few months over him not being as "advanced" with talking and obeying commands as other babies his age. I have felt like I need to talk to him more than I do because he isn't talking back. I have felt almost embarrassed when other moms with babies the same age show off all the words their baby knows and all the commands they can preform. I have felt like my baby was behind. And, of course, I have felt like it was my fault.
All of this made me feel bad that I have been working about 12 hours a week with other people's kids, and that I should have been trying to teach him things instead of tutoring other people's kids. But, I guess that is the job of a mom - to be concerned about your baby and care about your baby.
But, now my feelings have changed. I no longer am worried about the competition of whose baby is smarter, whose baby can say more words, whose baby can do more. I am sure that Jax has felt none of the pressure. I sure hope not. He is the happiest, best baby in the world. He hasn't seemed to complain at all. I feel terrible that I have been trying so hard to get Jax to act out commands I give him and to say words when he can't even hear me!!
All my emotional feelings aside, I know everything is going to be okay. I know that the blessing that Chase gave Jax 15 months ago is still with him. I know that his hearing is going to be okay. I am very anxious for May 5th. The doctor told me that he should be hearing better and possibly even talking within 2 weeks of the surgery. I hope that she is right.